Shame
by epochvacuous
Summary: Major Duo angst..major. Very twisted and strange..please r


Guess what....I still don't own Gundam Wing and never will...*sigh*. I also don't own the song "Shame" by Stabbing Westward, so please do not sue me all you will get is a bunch of posters, clothes, and Lucy (my computer, I named it after the one from Hackers ^_^)   
  
-MAJOR angst; bad language; death (self-inflicted); hatred; obsession (?)   
//indicates lyrics//  
Ok, I know this might be a little bit confusing..but when I write Him with a capital H I'm talking about the bad guy in this story(same thing for He or His), and when I write him with a h, I'm talking about Duo (same as he and his, and at the beginning of sentences). Are you confused yet? If not read on, if you are...well I can't help you there..  
  
  
//I only see myself reflected in your eyes//  
Duo stood naked in the dirty, old bathroom staring at his uncontrollably shaking hands...the effects of the pills he had taken was starting to kick in.....he wondered if a whole bottle would be enough to do the trick.   
"Duo, are you in there?! Are you still in the bathtub? Duo? Answer me damn it!" His voice came from behind the door. Duo did not answer. "Listen to me, I'm sorry, I just don't love you anymore.....Duo.....answer me! NOW!" Duo still did not answer, even though he knew exactly what he wanted to say.. but shock and fear would not let him speak ."That's it, you stupid little cunt, I'm leaving." Duo grimaced when he heard the front door slam.   
All Duo could think was that He had lied to him, the last few years had just been an empty, terrible lie.  
//So all I believe I am essentially are lies//  
"I thought that you loved me." He whispered, finally freeing the words, which were stony and cold. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" He screamed so loud that the mirror on the wall shook. He closed his eyes and let the tears run down his cheeks and hit the stone floor.  
//And every thing I've hoped to be or ever thought I was, died with your belief in me, so who the hell am I?//  
Duo's mind snapped back to reality. He stared at his reflection in the dirty, cracked mirror. "What the fuck are you looking at? Hm?" He sneered. He sneered like Him, made his eyes look empty and desolate, like His. 'I hate Him, I loath Him...but I want Him, I need Him..., His soul, His body, everything about Him excites me, I feed off of Him, His evilness, Hid mysteriousness. I'm nothing with out Him' Duo thought bitterly, his violet eyes growing darker and sharper with anger.   
//I'm wandering around confused//  
Duo's thoughts wandered further into his memories of Him.....  
//The more you deny my pain, the more it intensifies//  
His face, His skin, His taste.......His coldness, His emptiness. All of these things fed Duo's ecstasy and his pain......He defined what Duo was.  
//I need someone to ache for me, the way I ache for you..//  
"Why can't you love me, you said you would always love me..." Duo whispered, his body now beginning to convulse.  
//If you ignore that I'm alive, I've nothing to cling to//  
Duo had built his life around Him; everything he did , he did if for Him. Duo did it to please Him, to make Him satisfied, he did anything to make Him notice him, adore him, want him.  
//I stare into this mirror, so tired of this life//  
Duo studied his figure in the mirror, focusing solely on his eyes. If he tried, he could make them look like His, empty, lifeless, hollow.......... "Shut up! SHUT UP!" Duo screamed covering his ears, he wanted those little nagging voices to go away, to let him be, let him die alone. But they wouldn't cease, they told him that he was nothing, nothing, nothing... "Stop it!!" Duo screamed slamming his fists onto the mirror over and over again. The small pieces fell down onto the floor and slashed into Duo's fists, leaving little shards there. Duo ignored the pain, he thought that every piece represented his dreams, his hopes, his aspirations, all of which were all falling down around him, just like the glass. The glass also represented Him, He was the reason this was happening...why everything was falling apart.  
//If only you'd speak to me or care if I'm alive//  
Duo fell to the floor into a crying heap of blood and brown hair, surrounded by his fallen dreams and pain....by nothing. Duo's trembling, bleeding hand reached out and grabbed one of the longer, bigger pieces of glass. Forcing himself to sit up, he looked into the glass at his disheveled appearance and saw that he had become this...this mess of a human being. Duo tilted the glass just right, his features were spread out and jagged. Duo curled his fingers around it and pressed them into the sharp edges of the glass, instantly his crimson blood ran down across the glass, he watched at the small the droplets hit the floor. He tightened his hold, ignoring the sharp pain shooting through his body. Bringing the glass up to his face, he ran his tongue over the edges that weren't covered. The sharp, bitter taste filled his mouth; the metallic taste reminded Duo of Him; how rough He sometimes got and how emotionless He always was about it.  
//Once I swore, I would die for you, but I never meant like this...//  
Duo knew he was dead, that his soul was dead already, and soon, his body would be too. Duo had died for Him.......He had killed Duo. The voices egged him on 'nothing' they whispered, 'you're nothing without Him.'   
"Nothing," Duo whispered back, his voice dull and monotone. "Nothing without Him."  
//I don't know if I'm real without you..//   
"But how can I not be alive? I bleed, I hurt, I feel." The voices told him differently, told him he was dead. Duo grimly raised the piece of glass and ran it along his wrist, tearing the peach colored flesh, instantly his deep red blood stained it.  
//What is left of me without you?//  
'Blood...blood is all that is left of me, and then I'm still like him. The metallic smell and the bitter taste. All that's left of me is you.'  
//I don't know what's real without you//  
Nothing is real. Nothing in this world is real. Duo switched hands and ran the glass over the other wrist, pressing down deeply, sawing quicker and quicker, he heard something snap inside of his wrist, which was followed by a large gush of blood. Duo sawed faster. "Nothing, nothing......nothing...."Duo chanted as he ran the piece of glass over his flushed cheeks, his forehead, his arms, everything. He ran the sharp edge over everything because he was nothing without Him.  
//How can I exist without you?//  
Duo dropped the piece of glass, his mind began to spin, his vision blurred by the blood running into them from the cuts on his forehead. Backing up he slipped on the bloody floor and fell into the tub that was still full of water, hitting his head on the side of the tub. Duo did not struggle as he felt the water filling his lungs, instead he placed his hands on the side of the tub and pushed himself under, his body telling him that it was time for his life to end. He could smell the blood in the water, as he began to slip under, even in death he was surrounded by Him...  
//How can I exist without you?//  
I'm nothing, nothing, empty...lost...dead...." Duo whispered the water begging to choke him so he could no longer speak. The water in the tub was a crimson red now, instead of clear. 'I can't exist without you' Duo thought pushing himself deeper into the tub. As he was begging to loose consciousness, he filled his mouth and his lungs with the metallic, bitter water...and closed his eyes.  
Duo's hands slid slowly off of the sides of the tub and fell into the water making a soft splashing sound. The water sat near calm, slowly slapping up against the sides of the tub and then after a few minutes, completely stopping. The room was filled with the smell of blood; that smell that makes you sick, but also allures you and pulls you in. That smell of Him......  
//How can I exist without you?//  
  
Okay, that was very angsty.....I'm not really sure why I wrote it...but I hadn't slept in about 24 hours and was on a major caffeine rush......maybe that's what did it...Shut up Stupid 'Evil Turkey Bob' I'm taking credit for this horror, now go away( waves turkey baster as a threat).....any who, thanks for reading......^_^  



End file.
